As I lay on the bed with my father and my legs resting against the wall, honest conversations came about. I told him how I’ve worn myself out; fitness is no longer in my list of priorities. And then he said words that tell the reality I’m in.
That sums up my life right now.
It’s funny how life works. As time passes by the repetition begets staleness in understanding how I see the world, a worldview that is operated by ideals, instead of pragmatism. The life that I yearn for, one that is practical is always backfired by the sluggish mindset that I have created and developed for most of my life. It’s appaling and at times, undeserving of any mention at all. But I cannot sweep this problem away, because it’ll still be there. So what’s the solution?
What’s the solution….
Self care is so important. Probably a new term I’m trying to understand of late because all this while I’ve been trying to understand how to take care of myself in a better and more efficient way. But sometimes you can’t connect with certain words people use, so you get muddled up in your journey.
Self-care. Be gentle on yourself. You don’t have to do the hard things in life to achieve happiness. Do the simple things, the things that remove anxiety and worry. Like paying the bills, work, taking care of your health, eating well – the simple daily needs that we do. Remove the notion now of being an anomaly; you’re part of the Big Brother. You must understand life in the broader sense, a sense where you could feel, something tangible, something within your reach -reality.
Write away. Be nice on yourself now.
It’s funny how I can go on a long streak of reading and suddenly the heart stops wanting to read somemore. Come on heart you need to read!
But that’s the thing. We’re not used to reading for long periods of time. Our progress slows down, and we slowly decline to the bottom, where all our bad habits lie.
This sucks a lot. But then I’ve learnt that it is also getting used to the uncomfortable, that it is actually us growing out from our comfort zone. Sure, we’ll have our bad days, but just like sports, we get tired, and then we need to rest.
Rest for a while. Be patient with yourself. Don’t expect to see instant results. Don’t expect the change to be instant. Growth is called growth for a reason, and that is for you to experience change in stages. This I need to learn. This I need to remind myself time and time again.
And I find life to be more meaningful when I expect less…..even for myself…and the people around me.
Expect less, and at this moment I am at peace.
More to learn.
If social media is a place to amplify my thoughts, then I guess I’ve been wrong all this while. Sometimes my actions don’t reflect what I write here, and I fear I might give a fake impression of who I truly am. Reality says otherwise; but am i who I am or who I thought I am? This is a new riddle I have to figure out. What if I’m painting a picture just so I could look good only, but never feel good about it?
This probably boils down to what’s been knackering me all this while: denying oneself of a life of authenticity.
What if it’s only a mask that I’ve been wearing all this while? Is it because of the anonymity online that’s allowed me to be..as unreal as I possibly could?
“Because you’ve never been honest with yourself, you’ve been living a beautiful lie,” I would tell myself back in the past.
Not myself, not myself, not myself…
Berhentilah mengejar dunia, wahai insan. Berhentilah. Segala lelahmu tidak ada manfaatnya. Perolehlah kebahagiaanmu dengan mengejar ridha Ilahi, Sang Pencipta yang Maha Kaya dan Maha Mengasihani dirimu. Kembalilah kepadaNya. Sembahlah Allah. Jangan pernah merasa malu. Jangan pernah merasa sunyi. Engkau ada Allah. Allahlah segalanya bagimu. Bismillah.
In these trying times, we’ll never know in what state we’ll die. God gave me this sickness as a blessing and as a trial; only this time I was given the insight as to the condition of my faith when I’m sick. In the past when I fell ill I know I couldn’t do much, but this fever has awoken me in a sense that I have to take care of my faith as much as I have to take care of my physical health.
Do you still not take heed?
We’re all trying…
Membaca telah memberiku satu pengharapan untuk mencapai segala cita-citaku yang kuimpikan selama ini. Khusyuk aku membaca jalan cerita yang terdapat dalam buku dibacaku, tambahan lagi ia memberiku ilham untuk menulis hidupku yang sudah lama aku cuba untuk mengupasnya tetapi gagal kerana lemah kuasaanku dalam bahasa. Benar, bahasa ibunda bukan suatu kekuatan diriku, dan terlihatlah dalam tulisan ini.
Sekarang, biarlah aku kembali membaca hikayat hikayat yang memberiku pandangan hidup yang luas…
There are many words that I’ve written that I feel is worth sharing. But I’m not ready. Tomorrow….
“Tomorrow,” he said.