The end.

Nothing gets me more than the emotional rollercoaster I am experiencing. I know the reason why this is happening, and I have no one to blame except myself. We have the greatest power, and that is the power of choice. We have the ability to choose how we feel, how we decide, how, how, and more how. But the challenge is how well we can handle the ride our emotions are experiencing. It takes practise and patience. If you are sad, there must be a reason why you are sad. Find out why and you’ll be on an endless walk into the woods, finding every bit of solution there is available in order to cure or at least alleviate the sadness. If you’re angry, understand what made you angry. Often times, the reason why we’re angry is because 1) people use harsh words on us and they amplify their voice to make a point that we, well, are somehow stupid and wrong in their eyes. Nobody ever got smarter by condescendingly calling another person stupid, and all its friends, words that are associated with it. Like worthless, incompetent, idiot, failure. I will say this again and again — words matter. Words matter like how choosing our soulmate matters to us. This I must reiterate time and time again so that each and every one who reads this knows and understands that how you use it has an impact to the person receiving.

Tomorrow’s a big day for my close friend, someone who’s gone through the journey of finding one’s purpose in life and finding God for the past few years. I’m in euphoria, knowing that he will finally be tying the knot, a sacred vow that will remain until death reaches them. I don’t favour writing about love, because I have never had one. A blessing in disguise, but I won’t deny that I have fallen in love before. To be in love with another, what does it mean? Why does it bother me so much? For far too long I have made myself believe that I have understood the true concept of love. Love. I have acquired a false perception of it. And I’m slowly dismantling every single belief that I have about love, and hopefully, get to learn it the right way again.

But how do you know there’s a right way to love somebody?

I will go back to the two authentic sources. The Qur’an and the Sunnah. It’s high time I end a delusion that’s kept me from moving forward. It’s time I end all this. It’s time I unlearn all my beliefs about love and learn them again. I will seek every corner of this Earth I can, go to the learned men, the elders, the wise, the sage, but most importantly, I will have to go back to myself and keep asking the vital question: Have I really understood what love means?

Even if it takes a lifetime to learn and understand the true meaning of love,  I will try my best in this journey to embrace the moments and appreciate them. One day I would want to tell my children, if ever I’m granted a family, that your dad sought out the true meaning of love, and he found it by loving the One who created Him. And in the journey, he found your mother too, doing the same, and they got together.

For now, I must enjoy the time being alone. Beng alone is not bad. I still have a long way to go in fixing my belief system, how I see life, and how I handle it. I still have ambitions I would want to achieve, moments I would like to cherish and accomplish. I still have my personality to develop, characters to build, emotions to master, languages to learn, memories to etch in my heart.

He is able to do all things.

Goodbye to a past that has kept me old and pale, in thoughts and in health.


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