Trauma

It’s 12:53 AM as I’m writing this. There are still sounds of fireworks wheezing up to the skies, and I am still feeling uneasy from the loud booms that had occured at the stroke of midnight.

I hate this, the fact that I have high sensitivity to the environment around me. I get easily disturbed by noise, when all my life I was training myself to endure the high decibels of music, plugging in my earpiece deep enough to be muted from the outside world.

At the state I’m in, it’s easy for anyone to criticise me for my incompetence in certain tasks that they deem easy. But I think differently. At one point in my life, I even suspect that I have ADHD, although I had only understood the term vaguely. Probably because I cannot sit still….but I’m a sportsman. I do love moving around, and when you do move around too much, you need to rest. Sometimes that rest takes up days. So I become inactive, and eventually….that has led me to a sedentary lifestyle.

So, I don’t have ADHD I guess, or maybe I just prefer the aloneness, or what people call solitude. But there are distinctions between the two, I guess. Well, quit guessing. I love to be alone. And I wonder if ever I will find someone who will appreciate my aloneness. I won’t say loneliness, although I do experience it sometimes, and I don’t like it. It deprives me, I get into that tunnel vision; or as I call it, the empty train ride.

Once I took a train ride to the city. Out of nowhere that realisation came in, where all this while I’d lead an empty life. At that moment, I felt empty, hopeless, helpless and useless. It’s strange. But you cannot help but to feel extremely hopeless and helpless. But writing has always helped me, and today, I am writing again to let everything out so that I can rearrange my life, get back into shape and learn to live again.

 

Don’t waste our days away. I’ll be right back, Insya’Allah.

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