Weekly reflections

The words of the pious, whether they say them directly or indirectly to you, have a great impact on your heart. Today I will remember the days back in 2014, how, entering into the train cabin one day and thinking, “A life of seeking knowledge now or just lead the normal life like others.” I was in Imam An-Nawawi mode; I had told myself why not you just become studious for the next few years and become knowledgeable about the deen. Or in other words, know how to worship Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. And only Allah knows best how much I have sailed away from the lands of seeking knowledge studiously. I miss those days. I really do. Only Allah knows my intention back then. I should have listened to brother Zakariah, but as with being a youth, I was young and indecisive.  Not to say I’m not seeking knowledge now, but there is only a class I can attend now, and I’m extremely thankful for that  because ustadh Hafiizh is the best teacher I have had so far – Excellent manners (no exaggeration, people, young and old love him and a student of hadith). Ah, the people of hadith. I have special reservations for them. The first to pop up in my mind is Sheikh Al-Albani Rahimahullah, how his life has inspired me whenever I think of him. The legacy he’s left behind. Allah have mercy on him. Not forgetting the early scholars, they’re great too, but maybe I haven’t learned so much about their life yet for me to admire their spirit of seeking knowledge. Except for Imam Ash-Shafiee. Exceptional scholar. Every time I listen to Sheikh Moutasem Al Hameedy’s lecture on the life of Imam Ash-Shafiee, I’m just blown away.

But why do I mention all this?

Because in the pursuit of knowledge only do I find this extreme contentment that I cannot explain. That elation when I hear and listen to the hadith of the Prophet (peace be upon him), the speech of Allah ‘Azza Wa Jal – a privilege only Allah gives to whom He wishes to give.

 

Dear Allah, as I write this, allow me and those who read this to seek knowledge to remove the ignorance in our minds and hearts so that we can worship you correctly and sincerely. Do not leave us to ourselves even for a blinking of an eye, and do not let our hopes attach to your creation. Forgive us and make us your people, the people of Qur’an. Grant us steadfastness to learn about the Qur’an and Sunnah just as how You’ve made it clear to understand them and make us knowledgeable in your Deen Ya Rabb.

 

Aameen.

 

May Allah grant us the true understanding of love. Aameen.

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Daily realisation

If our lives are driven by irrational fears of the unknown, then we’d be living empty lives. If we keep breathing in the air of anxiety, we’d suffocate to an early death, not of the physical, but of emotional and spiritual death.

But we choose to stay in the past because we believe we’re not going to get something better in the future, something better and lasting. We choose to wait and love somebody when it is clear as the daylight that, they have no room for us to enter into their hearts.

We choose to keep their words they’d said in the past hoping they’d still hold true to them. But we’re human beings. We forget. We forget what we’d told them of promises that comes in the form of prose or poetry. Some died waiting for the love to return, hoping one day a miracle would pop out of nowhere, and the person would come back into their life, learning that you’d been yearning for his/her presence. But most of the time, they’ve probably moved on with their life. And then comes the realization, that you’ve been waiting….waiting….waiting for nothing.

I only stayed because of those lines of poetry you had written in the past. If you ever read this, I hope you’ll find them someday. I hope you know, that I only waited because of those words of hope you gave to me. I’m sorry if I’m not the one you choose to be with. But I want you to know, there was someone who waited for you, only because he cares for you. But I’m mistaken. I saw myself in you,  but you didn’t see yourself in me.

My hope is to fade away now, like how the wind blows the grains of sand in the Sahara desserts; let me disappear and dive back into the world of exploration.

I am missing, missing the days of remembering The One. Let those days come back to me Ya Allah.

 

 

there’s a part of me you’ll never know

the only thing I’ll never show.

 

{…So (for me) patience is most fitting. And it is Allah (Alone) Whose help can be sought against that which you assert.”} Surah Yusuf: 18 (Muhsin Khan)

As with life, we say Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal.

Life has to go on.

 

 

Cinta dan Hidup

Dalam memahami erti hidup, aku sedar bahawa apa yang aku harapkan tidak akan dapat kugenggaminya. Yang aku harapkan dalam bentuk cinta daripada manusia tidak akan dikembalikan kepadaku. Aku redha akan perkara ini. Tetapi aku sedar, bahawa meletakkan pengharapan kepada Sang Pencipta, Allah yang Maha Mulia memberikan ketenangan kepada jiwaku. Aku sedar, dan aku faham, bahawa apa yang tidak diberikanku di dunia, hanya aku harapkan akan diberikan di akhirat kelak. Allah Maha Menyantuni, dan dia sangat memahami hamba-hambaNya lebih dari kita memahami diri kita sendiri. Dan inilah yang selalu membuat aku yakin bahawa mencintai Allah yang telah menciptakan diriku ini lebih bermakna dan lebih bermanfaat daripada mencari cinta daripada manusia.

Cinta, kalau disalah tafsirkan, akan memberi erti hidup yang kurang bermakna, dan aku akui, bahwa kita tak terlepas daripada memberi tafsiran yang kurang mendalami jiwa. Pengalaman hidup memberi kita peluang untuk mengupas erti kata cinta ini, dengan bergaul dengan masyarakat, mendalami ilmu dengan mendekatkan diri kepada orang-orang alim dan soleh, mendekatkan diri kepada kedua orang tua, dan menyayangi anak-anak kecil, memberikan belas kasihan atas kemurnian mereka. Ramai juga orang mengembara ke luar negara, dari benua ke benua, dalam pengharapan satu hari kelak akan dijumpainya erti cinta yang sebenar.

Kesimpulannya, jika engkau yakin akan ganjaran yang akan diberikan Allah di akhirat kelak, aku pasti hati engkau akan tenang, kerana engkau tahu yang memberikan ganjaran itu bukan manusia, tetapi Sang Pencipta, Allah! Dialah yang telah menciptakanmu, Dialah yang telah memberimu rezeki untuk hidup, dan Dialah yang telah memberimu segumpal daging yang sangat mahal, yaitu jantung untuk terus bernafas dan jalankan hidup, beribadah hanya kepadaNya sahaja.

Ya Allah, berikanlah aku dan orang-orang yang membaca curahan hatiku ini ketenangan akal dan jiwa. Berikanlah mereka hidayah untuk terus mengupas erti hidup yang sebenar dengan mencariMu. Berikanlah apa yang mereka inginkan, jika tak di dunia, berikanlah yang terbaik bagi mereka di akhirat kelak, dan berikanlah mereka Syurga tanpa hisab. Aameen.

 

Sekian, curahan hati dalam bahasa melayu.

 

A purifier.

5 AM, and my body was already giving away. For the next hour, an endless bout of vomiting occured, the ones that I felt a few years back when suddenly, my body had the urge to go to the kitchen and then I puked my way like the waterfalls of Indonesia. The funny thing was, I almost came to a black out after exerting all the energy I had to buy coconut water to lessen the heat in my body.  I thought that was funny; you, being sick, and still had the chills to walk a few metres to the shop and get yourself a drink to alleviate the matter. I almost knocked out! Walking like a drunkard; I was in a stupor. But I came back home just in time to rest, and then laugh about it. You’re just weird, Hazrul.

I haven’t experienced such painful moments for a long time. We were supposed to make our way back to Singapore, but because of my situation, and of my father’s (apparently he got the fever too, must be something we ate) we spent the next few hours of the day sleeping, resting.

As much as I had little control over what was going on, by the grace of Allah, I managed to monitor my thoughts, and my eeman, how I’m reacting to this episode of fever. All the things that I didn’t want to think of, they came out and kept replaying in my mind. I then realised, how, what we see, hear and think about everyday will be exposed with clarity when you are down with a fever. I saw how my eeman was weak, not being able to utter words of remembrance of Allah most of the time, and then I began to rue the moments not remembering Allah, not doing enough to get closer to Him. I saw myself needing my mother most of the time to help me clean up the mess, because I was too weak to even wash those stains on the toilet floor (I couldn’t control as to where I would want to vomit. It was too painful, and I couldn’t think straight even at that point of time.) I did try to clean them, but the smell was too strong, and to avoid another bout of vomiting just by smelling it, I walked out from the bathroom and straightaway landed on my bed.

Health and free time. We’ve been told by our Prophet (peace be upon him) about it. We’ve also been told about how sickness is an expiation of sins, so I have good thoughts of my Rabb. More so to get this on the first day of Dhulhijjah, I am more optimistic of the fact that He wants to erase my sins and start afresh.

Why am I telling you this? Some of you may find it repulsive, the fact that I am telling you about my vomiting experience. But there are lessons we can all learn from this.

For me, many ahadith (prophetic sayings) come to mind. Of them being the prophetic saying of health and free time; how, on the day of judgment, the two feet of the son of Adam will not move until he is asked of 4/5 questions; how the affairs of the believer is good in all circumstances, and many more that I cannot recall.

It also made me realise how short life is, how we should say the things we want to say to our closed ones, doing good to parents; it is when we are sick that we reveal our true colours. It’s scary.

I am still unwell. My back still hurts, and I feel lethargic, but thankfully I have enough energy to muster and type away this episode in my life. I ask of those who read this to keep me in your dua’.

 

A quote from Haruki Murakami’s book,

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“La ba’sa, thohurun In sha Allah.” – Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him)