I’ve been on a cleaning spree for the past few days, and as I rummaged through my room, a section of it were stacks of papers that I hadn’t read in a while. As I scanned through the lines of words I found solace, a comfort that I never thought would help me today. It was the struggles I went through back then, how sincere I was in searching for happiness. How desperate I was to kill the loneliness I was experiencing, and more importantly, how needy I was to become human again. I can’t help but to look down on myself now, because who I was back then was more…a sincere person, in a sense that I really wanted life. I can’t find any other word to replace sincere, because that’s how I truly felt. I just wanted guidance. A direction, and a way to follow.
I keep coming back to my past, not because I want to change them. I can’t. It’s impossible. But I come back there because I want to search for the debris that I had left behind, the failure to fly off to success, and the causes of that failure. I didn’t know I had potential back then, to grow, to become someone successful. But success is defined differently by everyone. Back then it was all materialistic; I had defined success in terms of achieving material possessions. And of fame and status. It’s a no no for me now.
As I grow day by day I am learning from my failures. I am learning to be more open towards people around me. I want to get to know people better. I want to know how they live their lives, their aspirations and what they really hope to achieve in this life. People are interesting. The more I know them, the more I realise how ignorant I am of my existence, and how little to no knowledge I have of the world around me. Even my family. I haven’t really known them well enough to say I already memorised their dreams and aspirations. People change and they keep changing. Although the occasional gatherings now glue us together and we’d have a chat or two on our objectives in life, deep inside we’re not hardwired to each other.
Until then, I have more searching to do.