The greatest love

The greatest love story I’ve ever read and heard was about a man who taught and guided the people to love their Creator. His name was Muhammad.

Peace be upon him.

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The September Rain.

I haven’t felt rain in the longest time, and by that I mean immersing myself in the downpour, walking in it, or even running  in it. I miss it, to be honest. It’s bringing back all the memories of yesteryears, of how I had the privilege to do what I’ve just mentioned before, of running and walking in the rain. I could connect so much with life when I put myself under the heavy downpours, because I could feel His Mercy enveloping me. I know that by doing these activities I am connecting myself with the remembrance of Allah, uttering words of thanks for giving a wonderful life.

Ah, I miss the monsoon season. I love the soaking in the rain, I love the sitting by the window, reaching my hands out to feel the drops of rain. I love everything about rain.

(O Allah, help me remember You, to be grateful to You, and to worship You in an excellent manner).”  (Abu Dawud) Source

{…[We said], “Work, O family of David, in gratitude.” And few of My servants are grateful.} [Surah Saba (34): 13]

 

Alhamdulillah for the simple and beautiful day today.

 

 

September

There’s always this feeling of wanderlust come September. Maybe because I’ve attached this month to the yearly semester breaks whilst in Poly, and what wonderful days they were, days spent lying down, dreaming away about life….It was carefree. Yeah, that’s the word.

 

To the person who searched for life, but…

It occurs to me that as I’m writing this, I’m writing from a matured perspective, I feel. Writing from a third person perspective is giving me more clarity on the outlook of life.

“To the person who searched for life, but found a man instead…”

I wrote those words in my yellow notebook. It was 2015. It was my routine of spilling my thoughts on paper, of needing to fill up my notebook with words. But it was more of an exercise of the mind, of seeking clarity in my thinking. I wrote them because I had conceived the notion that the person I had feelings for back in school had been seeking clarity in life. I must admit, I admired the way she looked at life, and I like people who enjoy deep conversations about life. Fast forward to 2017, looking at it again, maybe I’ve written it out of ignorance, oblivious to the fact that maybe she was already leading a good life. Maybe I wrote out of hastiness,  a desperate plea, hoping that one day we could meet up and I could finally tell her everything she needs to know. But, life has its own ways of revealing truths.

Perhaps I saw in her what she couldn’t see in herself, that she had the potential to grow to be a better person. Everybody has the ability to grow and become a better version of themselves. Perhaps at that time I wanted to be beside her, to guide her and show her the other side of life. But, having the reserved personality meant that I kept those feelings inside, perhaps hoping she’d realise someday through my cues and silences in the classes and in our small talks that she’d understand that I was…wanting to be with her. But I was a little too late. She had already found a man.

I can vividly remember the moments during those days, how stupid I felt inside for not saying the things I should have said. Always learn to say the things you want and need to say before it’s too late. My only wish now? That if I could get to meet her again, I would want to pass her the letter I had written for her on her birthday. But things have changed. Perhaps she is enjoying life right now, chasing her dreams and living life to the fullest.

I’m deriving a lot of lessons from this experience. You don’t always get what you want, and that could actually be good for you. It takes time to understand, and it takes time for things to fall into place. Everything is measured. Be patient with the decree Allah has for you. Carry on living life to the best of your ability. Learn how to cope with setbacks in life. Throughout the years I have found that the best investment one can make is to master your emotions. I hope she is doing well and fine.

Love. What is love?

To the person who searched for life, you are in my prayers, whenever and wherever I remember you.

I have episode 02 and 03 of my ‘Umrah trip to write.

A purifier.

5 AM, and my body was already giving away. For the next hour, an endless bout of vomiting occured, the ones that I felt a few years back when suddenly, my body had the urge to go to the kitchen and then I puked my way like the waterfalls of Indonesia. The funny thing was, I almost came to a black out after exerting all the energy I had to buy coconut water to lessen the heat in my body.  I thought that was funny; you, being sick, and still had the chills to walk a few metres to the shop and get yourself a drink to alleviate the matter. I almost knocked out! Walking like a drunkard; I was in a stupor. But I came back home just in time to rest, and then laugh about it. You’re just weird, Hazrul.

I haven’t experienced such painful moments for a long time. We were supposed to make our way back to Singapore, but because of my situation, and of my father’s (apparently he got the fever too, must be something we ate) we spent the next few hours of the day sleeping, resting.

As much as I had little control over what was going on, by the grace of Allah, I managed to monitor my thoughts, and my eeman, how I’m reacting to this episode of fever. All the things that I didn’t want to think of, they came out and kept replaying in my mind. I then realised, how, what we see, hear and think about everyday will be exposed with clarity when you are down with a fever. I saw how my eeman was weak, not being able to utter words of remembrance of Allah most of the time, and then I began to rue the moments not remembering Allah, not doing enough to get closer to Him. I saw myself needing my mother most of the time to help me clean up the mess, because I was too weak to even wash those stains on the toilet floor (I couldn’t control as to where I would want to vomit. It was too painful, and I couldn’t think straight even at that point of time.) I did try to clean them, but the smell was too strong, and to avoid another bout of vomiting just by smelling it, I walked out from the bathroom and straightaway landed on my bed.

Health and free time. We’ve been told by our Prophet (peace be upon him) about it. We’ve also been told about how sickness is an expiation of sins, so I have good thoughts of my Rabb. More so to get this on the first day of Dhulhijjah, I am more optimistic of the fact that He wants to erase my sins and start afresh.

Why am I telling you this? Some of you may find it repulsive, the fact that I am telling you about my vomiting experience. But there are lessons we can all learn from this.

For me, many ahadith (prophetic sayings) come to mind. Of them being the prophetic saying of health and free time; how, on the day of judgment, the two feet of the son of Adam will not move until he is asked of 4/5 questions; how the affairs of the believer is good in all circumstances, and many more that I cannot recall.

It also made me realise how short life is, how we should say the things we want to say to our closed ones, doing good to parents; it is when we are sick that we reveal our true colours. It’s scary.

I am still unwell. My back still hurts, and I feel lethargic, but thankfully I have enough energy to muster and type away this episode in my life. I ask of those who read this to keep me in your dua’.

 

A quote from Haruki Murakami’s book,

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“La ba’sa, thohurun In sha Allah.” – Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him)

 

To the Northwest, where I belong.

Episode 00.

Makkah & Madinah — two names that are not foreign to Muslims. The blessed lands that many long to visit. They have always been in my prayers ever since I had learned more about Islam. But one day, a heart was broken, a soul was lost, but a door was suddenly opened. It was as though Allah was telling me that this has been your hindrance to getting your dua’ from being accepted. “Now that you’ve let it go, I am giving you the wish you’ve been meaning to get,” as though Allah was saying that to me. Thinking good of Allah never disappoints the believing slave. Everything that has been decreed is and will always be good for the believer.

Right until then, I had a few countries in mind to travel; Indonesia, Australia, Japan. It was like an obligation for every men who served the nation to take that break from the mundane lifestyle we’ve built over the course of two years. We simply needed the break.

But one day the thought passed by — why not Makkah and Madinah?

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So I decided to enquire.

A month before I was released, my teacher had sent me a message, “UMRAH TRIP 2017.” It was a long and detailed message, but by the end of it, I had pushed it aside, away from my mind, away from my heart. Not now perhaps. the inner voice said. But, we don’t know of the future. Circumstances change us, it redirects our attention and motivation. It makes us react and respond accordingly to the events happening around us.

My heart was left broken.  It had always been for a long while. But one day came the penultimate moment. The ties we’ve made were cut, and it was deep. It shattered my hopes, and ambitions to live a good life. It affected me badly. For days I was left in daze, but slowly it made me realise how futile it had been all these years.

A friend once said,

“as with the seasons, people change too.”

That was profound, I thought. Because I was made to believe that people in your life would still be the same person even though you’ve not met him/her for the longest time possible. I became deluded by this belief.  Sometimes, the waiting is the one that gives us the pain, but in waiting there is wisdom Allah has put behind it. You may wait for a person for the longest time but you end up not being with him or her. That wait has caused you so much pain, so much weight for you to carry forward in life, but remember, with this pain, you turn yourself to Allah and complain of your ignorance, your incompetence to worship Him properly. I’m not saying you should follow this path of waiting, but learn from me — never wait, never hope from human beings. The second type of waiting, is the one you should do, and that is to patiently wait for Allah’s help. You do so by worshipping Him alone without any partners being associated to Him, follow His Messenger Muhammad (Peace be upon him), and at the same time learn how to find the right one for you. What’s the underlying factor behind all this? Knowledge. Seek knowledge of the religion, understand what Allah loves and what Allah hates. Understand the purpose of your existence. We are made to know Him. That’s our primary reason for existence. What loses us is the fact that we have been made to learn about love the wrong way. You may say love is something that is subjective, but hey, for once, shouldn’t we look at love and life from God’s perspective? How does He define love? How do we love? What is love? The fundamental questions we need to ask ourselves time and time again.

Anyway, as with bad experiences in life, we learn from it. So what did I do with my broken heart?

I decided to complain it to Allah, and I did so by going for the ‘Umrah trip. I was extremely fortunate that when I enquired about it, there was only a seat left in the group. That day I learnt how fortunate I am to know that this was a blessing in disguise after all. The whisper in my heart that told me about the ‘Umrah trip again made all the difference, and like what Robert Frost says in his famous lines of poetry, The Road Not Taken,

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I decided to take the road less travelled, and that has made all the difference.

 

Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal…

 

To be continued, If Allah Wills…

 

 

Homecoming

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About time I write about my time in Makkah and Madinah. Plus Taif and other beautiful places. I will write about my journey to the blessed lands. It’s homecoming.

By the bay

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Despite it being a small country, I love Singapore and the scenery it has to offer. But, I won’t let it disenchant me to the point where I will only see Singapore as the only country that has all the splendour and beauty of the Earth. I still have a lot of countries that I’d like to explore. Indonesia is beautiful. There are many things that surprised me, like the cold temperatures, the waterfalls, and best of all, the mountains. Yeah, I love Indonesia.

Kinda sad that it’s scaled down. I lost a memory of it due to my phone going into dysfunction. That’s why I’m back with Iphone. (heh Apple fanboy perhaps?)

This was one of the mountains. We were at Mount Ijen to experience the blue light volcano. I couldn’t really see the blue light because as we were getting to the bottom of the volcano the smokes and ashes were coming up and even with the help and assistance of the gas mask I was struggling for breath. But nevertheless, it was breathtaking, considering I got the once in a lifetime opportunity to witness the Milky Way with my naked eyes. Alhamdulillah.

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Madakaripura Falls, just a few kilometres away from Mount Bromo. I was dumbstruck (is there such a word?) when I saw the beauty of nature. I remember I kept telling myself and perhaps Irfan that I’d never even think that such places exist in Asia! I am missing travelling.

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Makes you wonder, Subhan’Allah, if this is paradise on Earth, then what about the eternal abode of Paradise? Jannahtul Firdaus. May Allah grant us all Jannahtul Firdaus!

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The secret shore. This was an isolated beach. We had to ride our way through the jungle, and then walk down conscientiously to the beach….only to enjoy a…meh kind of beach you can get in Singapore. But, eventually we rested there and took naps. A lot of the photos were in my old phone….I should have written more about my travel experiences.

I’m regretting it more and more now.

 

I write today to remove the boredom that is killing me every day. But as I write this away, I find satisfaction, a contentment writing about my experiences. It really does distract me away from life’s trivialities. Alhamdulillah. No one might be reading this, except those Allah has Willed to visit my site and read them, but I’m going to keep writing no matter what now. You need to write just as you need to breathe, I remember telling myself that. More reading needs to be done though. I’m thinking of diving into Paul Theroux’s world. I love his titles and I can’t wait to hopefully get my hands on them. Hopefully, hopefully.

To more adventures ahead, Insya’Allah!

Bismillah.

Heart break.

My heart’s in pain, and it’s been like this for the past few days, or even weeks. It’s not the aching one experiences when one is heartbroken; that, is a different story in and of itself. But I haven’t been able to breathe properly, and I’ve been releasing deep, heavy breaths. My right nostril is always clogged up, and my heavy breathings always annoys my family members, those who sit and stood by me long enough to take notice of this phenomenon.

I have bought my attire for exercise. I decided to grab another ball from Decathlon to keep my feet in shape. I am craving to play football, yearning to run again. I have brought my running shoes with me from my home. All that’s left is the empty slot in the day to have a good workout to keep my heart in shape. It’s made me wonder, what if, I die in my sleep, once my heart decides to take a break? Allah protect me from a bad death, but my friend’s colleague passed away in his sleep. A few weeks before his passing, he was running all around the futsal pitch, playing ball with us. To my observation, he was extremely fit; people spoke well of him, especially of his fitness. He would make running his routine. And to hear that sudden news was shocking. It could happen to me too. I don’t know if I’m prepared to meet Allah yet. I have a lot that needs rectification.

If He grants us another day, I hope He moves our heart to live a life of Alhamdulillah not just for the next day, but for the rest of our life until we meet Him. Aameen.