It’s 12:53 AM as I’m writing this. There are still sounds of fireworks wheezing up to the skies, and I am still feeling uneasy from the loud booms that had occured at the stroke of midnight.

I hate this, the fact that I have high sensitivity to the environment around me. I get easily disturbed by noise, when all my life I was training myself to endure the high decibels of music, plugging in my earpiece deep enough to be muted from the outside world.

At the state I’m in, it’s easy for anyone to criticise me for my incompetence in certain tasks that they deem easy. But I think differently. At one point in my life, I even suspect that I have ADHD, although I had only understood the term vaguely. Probably because I cannot sit still….but I’m a sportsman. I do love moving around, and when you do move around too much, you need to rest. Sometimes that rest takes up days. So I become inactive, and eventually….that has led me to a sedentary lifestyle.

So, I don’t have ADHD I guess, or maybe I just prefer the aloneness, or what people call solitude. But there are distinctions between the two, I guess. Well, quit guessing. I love to be alone. And I wonder if ever I will find someone who will appreciate my aloneness. I won’t say loneliness, although I do experience it sometimes, and I don’t like it. It deprives me, I get into that tunnel vision; or as I call it, the empty train ride.

Once I took a train ride to the city. Out of nowhere that realisation came in, where all this while I’d lead an empty life. At that moment, I felt empty, hopeless, helpless and useless. It’s strange. But you cannot help but to feel extremely hopeless and helpless. But writing has always helped me, and today, I am writing again to let everything out so that I can rearrange my life, get back into shape and learn to live again.


Don’t waste our days away. I’ll be right back, Insya’Allah.



When you’ve been finding the cure, only to realise there is poison in the cure, and you’ve been drinking it, leaving yourself intoxicated for the longest time possible.


You lived a life in stupor.


Surah Al-Fajr, Verse 27:
يَا أَيَّتُهَا النَّفْسُ الْمُطْمَئِنَّةُ

(It will be said to the pious): “O (you) the one in (complete) rest and satisfaction!
(English – Mohsin Khan)

Surah Al-Fajr, Verse 28:
ارْجِعِي إِلَىٰ رَبِّكِ رَاضِيَةً مَّرْضِيَّةً

“Come back to your Lord, Well-pleased (yourself) and well-pleasing unto Him!
(English – Mohsin Khan)

Surah Al-Fajr, Verse 29:
فَادْخُلِي فِي عِبَادِي

“Enter you, then, among My honoured slaves,
(English – Mohsin Khan)

Surah Al-Fajr, Verse 30:
وَادْخُلِي جَنَّتِي

“And enter you My Paradise!”
(English – Mohsin Khan)

Growing out of my comfort zone

As I’m looking at life in retrospect, all I can see is a young man who lost his way in searching for the truth. He was fervent in seeking for clarity, questioning the status quo, dismantling his false beliefs, beliefs he had held on for so long.

But as I’m learning that, to grow out of your comfort zone needn’t be physical; it starts from the mind anyway right? I then realize that I didn’t have to go through the moments of waiting for someone to come back into my life. Childish, now that I think of it. Why not grow out from this comfort zone? This zone of waiting for someone..why not step out from this imaginary circle and just…move on?

There are many more important things in life I need to accomplish anyway, and the most important of them is to enter Jannahtul Firdaus without accountability. I hope Allah grants us all this special request. Aameen. This is it then, knowing my life has been wasted on trivial pursuits, and I ask Allah to forgive me for this. Certainly in this episode of my life it is clear how weak my faith is, how I’m not putting the trust in Allah as I should to, but that’s only because you don’t have the correct knowledge in understanding how to trust Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. When has it been that chasing someone was my life’s purpose? I’m always reminded by this whenever I speak to ustadh Hafiizh about relationships. He’s 36 and still single, but his words always lifts up my worries and anxiety.

“Kan perempuan lain ada…” paraphrasing his words.

And that’s true.  Sometimes we don’t realize that the person in front us might have been waiting for us, but we choose to wait for the one that’s unreachable. I don’t want to make it my life purpose to seek a soul that will be my reflection until Akhira. Although I know it is a means to get closer to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala, but there are important things I need to rectify. Like my belief system, my ‘Aqidah. That is more important than anything else in this world.

And Paradise is not cheap.

Whenever I think of life after death – the Sirat, the waiting – Allahul Musta’an! The waiting! The trials of the grave….


May Allah forgive us all. Knowing that what I write will be asked, and I hope my writing has benefited the readers in any way possible. I ask Allah to forgive all our ignorance and mistakes done knowingly and unknowingly.

Let’s continue to seek knowledge to seek closeness to Allah. May Allah rectify our affairs for us and may He rectify our intention to seek His Pleasure alone. Aameen.

Weekly reflections

The words of the pious, whether they say them directly or indirectly to you, have a great impact on your heart. Today I will remember the days back in 2014, how, entering into the train cabin one day and thinking, “A life of seeking knowledge now or just lead the normal life like others.” I was in Imam An-Nawawi mode; I had told myself why not you just become studious for the next few years and become knowledgeable about the deen. Or in other words, know how to worship Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. And only Allah knows best how much I have sailed away from the lands of seeking knowledge studiously. I miss those days. I really do. Only Allah knows my intention back then. I should have listened to brother Zakariah, but as with being a youth, I was young and indecisive.  Not to say I’m not seeking knowledge now, but there is only a class I can attend now, and I’m extremely thankful for that  because ustadh Hafiizh is the best teacher I have had so far – Excellent manners (no exaggeration, people, young and old love him and a student of hadith). Ah, the people of hadith. I have special reservations for them. The first to pop up in my mind is Sheikh Al-Albani Rahimahullah, how his life has inspired me whenever I think of him. The legacy he’s left behind. Allah have mercy on him. Not forgetting the early scholars, they’re great too, but maybe I haven’t learned so much about their life yet for me to admire their spirit of seeking knowledge. Except for Imam Ash-Shafiee. Exceptional scholar. Every time I listen to Sheikh Moutasem Al Hameedy’s lecture on the life of Imam Ash-Shafiee, I’m just blown away.

But why do I mention all this?

Because in the pursuit of knowledge only do I find this extreme contentment that I cannot explain. That elation when I hear and listen to the hadith of the Prophet (peace be upon him), the speech of Allah ‘Azza Wa Jal – a privilege only Allah gives to whom He wishes to give.


Dear Allah, as I write this, allow me and those who read this to seek knowledge to remove the ignorance in our minds and hearts so that we can worship you correctly and sincerely. Do not leave us to ourselves even for a blinking of an eye, and do not let our hopes attach to your creation. Forgive us and make us your people, the people of Qur’an. Grant us steadfastness to learn about the Qur’an and Sunnah just as how You’ve made it clear to understand them and make us knowledgeable in your Deen Ya Rabb.




May Allah grant us the true understanding of love. Aameen.

Daily realisation

If our lives are driven by irrational fears of the unknown, then we’d be living empty lives. If we keep breathing in the air of anxiety, we’d suffocate to an early death, not of the physical, but of emotional and spiritual death.

But we choose to stay in the past because we believe we’re not going to get something better in the future, something better and lasting. We choose to wait and love somebody when it is clear as the daylight that, they have no room for us to enter into their hearts.

We choose to keep their words they’d said in the past hoping they’d still hold true to them. But we’re human beings. We forget. We forget what we’d told them of promises that comes in the form of prose or poetry. Some died waiting for the love to return, hoping one day a miracle would pop out of nowhere, and the person would come back into their life, learning that you’d been yearning for his/her presence. But most of the time, they’ve probably moved on with their life. And then comes the realization, that you’ve been waiting….waiting….waiting for nothing.

I only stayed because of those lines of poetry you had written in the past. If you ever read this, I hope you’ll find them someday. I hope you know, that I only waited because of those words of hope you gave to me. I’m sorry if I’m not the one you choose to be with. But I want you to know, there was someone who waited for you, only because he cares for you. But I’m mistaken. I saw myself in you,  but you didn’t see yourself in me.

My hope is to fade away now, like how the wind blows the grains of sand in the Sahara desserts; let me disappear and dive back into the world of exploration.

I am missing, missing the days of remembering The One. Let those days come back to me Ya Allah.



there’s a part of me you’ll never know

the only thing I’ll never show.


{…So (for me) patience is most fitting. And it is Allah (Alone) Whose help can be sought against that which you assert.”} Surah Yusuf: 18 (Muhsin Khan)

As with life, we say Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal.

Life has to go on.



Cinta dan Hidup

Dalam memahami erti hidup, aku sedar bahawa apa yang aku harapkan tidak akan dapat kugenggaminya. Yang aku harapkan dalam bentuk cinta daripada manusia tidak akan dikembalikan kepadaku. Aku redha akan perkara ini. Tetapi aku sedar, bahawa meletakkan pengharapan kepada Sang Pencipta, Allah yang Maha Mulia memberikan ketenangan kepada jiwaku. Aku sedar, dan aku faham, bahawa apa yang tidak diberikanku di dunia, hanya aku harapkan akan diberikan di akhirat kelak. Allah Maha Menyantuni, dan dia sangat memahami hamba-hambaNya lebih dari kita memahami diri kita sendiri. Dan inilah yang selalu membuat aku yakin bahawa mencintai Allah yang telah menciptakan diriku ini lebih bermakna dan lebih bermanfaat daripada mencari cinta daripada manusia.

Cinta, kalau disalah tafsirkan, akan memberi erti hidup yang kurang bermakna, dan aku akui, bahwa kita tak terlepas daripada memberi tafsiran yang kurang mendalami jiwa. Pengalaman hidup memberi kita peluang untuk mengupas erti kata cinta ini, dengan bergaul dengan masyarakat, mendalami ilmu dengan mendekatkan diri kepada orang-orang alim dan soleh, mendekatkan diri kepada kedua orang tua, dan menyayangi anak-anak kecil, memberikan belas kasihan atas kemurnian mereka. Ramai juga orang mengembara ke luar negara, dari benua ke benua, dalam pengharapan satu hari kelak akan dijumpainya erti cinta yang sebenar.

Kesimpulannya, jika engkau yakin akan ganjaran yang akan diberikan Allah di akhirat kelak, aku pasti hati engkau akan tenang, kerana engkau tahu yang memberikan ganjaran itu bukan manusia, tetapi Sang Pencipta, Allah! Dialah yang telah menciptakanmu, Dialah yang telah memberimu rezeki untuk hidup, dan Dialah yang telah memberimu segumpal daging yang sangat mahal, yaitu jantung untuk terus bernafas dan jalankan hidup, beribadah hanya kepadaNya sahaja.

Ya Allah, berikanlah aku dan orang-orang yang membaca curahan hatiku ini ketenangan akal dan jiwa. Berikanlah mereka hidayah untuk terus mengupas erti hidup yang sebenar dengan mencariMu. Berikanlah apa yang mereka inginkan, jika tak di dunia, berikanlah yang terbaik bagi mereka di akhirat kelak, dan berikanlah mereka Syurga tanpa hisab. Aameen.


Sekian, curahan hati dalam bahasa melayu.


Weekly reflections

I was searching for a photo to capture my emotions now, but then as I scrolled down my google photos, I saw a lot of my thoughts, tidbit thoughts about life I had jotted down on my old phone. I’m learning to live life without the things I’ve attached to throughout my entire existence: football, for one.

What if watching football is not a part of my life?

What if I detach myself from my favourite football team, who had just lost 5-0 to Manchester blue? (it sounds cheesier saying blue rather than city lol)

What if I detach myself from people and things?

Will I be okay?

Will I die from this detachment?

Because too many times when we’ve attached ourselves to things and people, our emotions flare up, and down and, up…

It has come to my realisation then, that life happens when you attach yourself to the right things.

Attachment. A matter of the heart.



{Say, “Indeed, my prayer, my rites of sacrifice, my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the worlds.} [6:162]


Learn about who Allah is, and you’ll find peace in your heart. If you have been given the hidayah to learn about Allah, then that is the biggest blessing you can ever ask for in life.

All praise and thanks are for Allah alone, Lord of Worlds…


Episode 02: The 8-hour plane ride to Saudi Arabia

The plane ride was something else. Saudi Airlines was, by my definition, Mumtaz. I’ve never felt so privileged before, taking a plane even though my seat was under economy class, and placed at the back of the airplane. Before take off, they reminded us of the dua’ when travelling,

اللهُ أَكْبَرُ ، اللهُ أَكْبَرُ ، اللهُ أَكْبَرُ سُبْحَانَ الَّذِيْ سَخَّرَ لَناَ هَذَا وَمَا كُنَّا لَهُ مُقرِنِيْنَ وإِنَّا إِلَى رَبِّناَ لمُنْقَلِبُوْنَ ، اَلَّلهُمَّ إنَّا نَسْألُكَ فِيْ سَفَرِناَ هَذَا البِرَّ وَالتَّقْوَى ومِنَ العَمَلِ ماَ تَرْضَى اَلَّلهُمَّ هَوِّنْ عَلَيْناَ سَفَرَناَ هَذَا وَاطْوِ عَنَّا بُعْدَهُ. الَلَّهُمَّ أَنتَ الصَّاحِبُ فِيْ السَّفَرِ والخَلِيفَةُ في الأَهْلِ الّلهُمَّ إنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ وَعْثاءِ السَّفَرِ وكَآبَةِ المَنْظَرِ وسُوْءِ المُنْقَلَبِ في المَالِ والأَهْلِ .

Allah is the greatest, Allah is the greatest, Allah is the greatest, How perfect He is, The One Who has placed this (transport) at our service, and we ourselves would not have been capable of that, and to our Lord is our final destiny. O Allah, we ask You for birr and taqwaa in this journey of ours, and we ask You for deeds which please You. O Allah, facilitate our journey and let us cover its distance quickly. O Allah, You are The Companion on the journey and The Successor over the family, O Allah, I take refuge with You from the difficulties of travel, from having a change of hearts and being in a bad predicament, and I take refuge in You from an ill fated outcome with wealth and family.


and I thought that is a great way to remind us of who we should rely upon in everything we do, including travelling.  There is musolla in Saudi Airlines, something which I was told is the only airline that provides that. But I think Emirates or any of the middle east airlines do provide it too. I’m just assuming. The conundrum that every pilgrims faced then was, which way was the Qiblah?

Our ustadh told us that when you pray in the plane, just follow the plane’s direction of the destination the pilot’s heading to, which was to Makkah. Come prayer time I confirmed with him again just to ensure that I was doing it right, but even if there wasn’t any musolla, you can still pray sitting without the need to follow the Qiblah. There was a pilgrim who was not satisfied with the fact that we should just follow the direction where the plane was headed to, but my ustadh was calm in dealing with the man. He reasoned through his understanding and after a while the man calmed down and the exchange of knowledge continued while I went on and pray.

The meal times was surprisingly good; I will attest to the fact that the briyani they served on board is much better than any briyani I’ve tasted on land in Singapore! So next time if you want a good briyani, take a trip to the North West and you’ll be served with a good plate of briyani 🙂

Anyway, I love the fact how the small screen in front of us are filled with many educational videos to watch. There were a few apps of the Qur’an, and that is something I was excited about. Nothing soothes your heart more than the Words of your Maker, Allah  The Almighty. Of course, there was entertainment too, but I didn’t fancy the movies much, nor the dramas. Since I wasn’t on my ihram yet, that paranoia comes kicking in as to when I should wear it. For those doing ‘Umrah, we should be in our ihram and we should intend to do ‘Umrah before entering into the meeqat, or else there would be repercussions to it. Our entrance was through the Yalamlam meeqat, and the good thing is the pilot will always announce to get into your ihram and prepare to be in the state of Ihram.

I put mine 1 or 2 hours before, and after wearing it, the next concern came in: fearing it would become loose and I’d become bare naked in front of other pilgrims. I still think it’s the funniest thing that could happen, but I ask Allah to protect us from any humiliation. Usually during this time the pilgrims would start to rush to the toilet and change their clothes into just two white cloths, of which its thickness is like a bath robe, preparing to humble themselves before Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala.

The Talbiyah. We were told to recite the talbiyah as often as possible until we reach masjidil haram. To concentrate and do it every moment might be a rare occurence, because honestly, the mind sways easily. But to recite and embrace the meaning is of a humbling experience, because it reminds you of the fact that one, you are going to become an honoured guest to the most beloved place of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. Two, it rectifies your intention, that you’re going to Makkah to perform the ‘Umrah, and that all the sightseeing and other activities are secondary. Three, you are reminding yourself of how weak you are as a human being, and that you are coming to Allah to get your sins erased.

8 hours of sitting and pondering upon the beauty outside. By the time we reached Riyadh, it was already close to 12 AM…