Weekly reflections

The words of the pious, whether they say them directly or indirectly to you, have a great impact on your heart. Today I will remember the days back in 2014, how, entering into the train cabin one day and thinking, “A life of seeking knowledge now or just lead the normal life like others.” I was in Imam An-Nawawi mode; I had told myself why not you just become studious for the next few years and become knowledgeable about the deen. Or in other words, know how to worship Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. And only Allah knows best how much I have sailed away from the lands of seeking knowledge studiously. I miss those days. I really do. Only Allah knows my intention back then. I should have listened to brother Zakariah, but as with being a youth, I was young and indecisive.  Not to say I’m not seeking knowledge now, but there is only a class I can attend now, and I’m extremely thankful for that  because ustadh Hafiizh is the best teacher I have had so far – Excellent manners (no exaggeration, people, young and old love him and a student of hadith). Ah, the people of hadith. I have special reservations for them. The first to pop up in my mind is Sheikh Al-Albani Rahimahullah, how his life has inspired me whenever I think of him. The legacy he’s left behind. Allah have mercy on him. Not forgetting the early scholars, they’re great too, but maybe I haven’t learned so much about their life yet for me to admire their spirit of seeking knowledge. Except for Imam Ash-Shafiee. Exceptional scholar. Every time I listen to Sheikh Moutasem Al Hameedy’s lecture on the life of Imam Ash-Shafiee, I’m just blown away.

But why do I mention all this?

Because in the pursuit of knowledge only do I find this extreme contentment that I cannot explain. That elation when I hear and listen to the hadith of the Prophet (peace be upon him), the speech of Allah ‘Azza Wa Jal – a privilege only Allah gives to whom He wishes to give.

 

Dear Allah, as I write this, allow me and those who read this to seek knowledge to remove the ignorance in our minds and hearts so that we can worship you correctly and sincerely. Do not leave us to ourselves even for a blinking of an eye, and do not let our hopes attach to your creation. Forgive us and make us your people, the people of Qur’an. Grant us steadfastness to learn about the Qur’an and Sunnah just as how You’ve made it clear to understand them and make us knowledgeable in your Deen Ya Rabb.

 

Aameen.

 

May Allah grant us the true understanding of love. Aameen.

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Daily realisation

If our lives are driven by irrational fears of the unknown, then we’d be living empty lives. If we keep breathing in the air of anxiety, we’d suffocate to an early death, not of the physical, but of emotional and spiritual death.

But we choose to stay in the past because we believe we’re not going to get something better in the future, something better and lasting. We choose to wait and love somebody when it is clear as the daylight that, they have no room for us to enter into their hearts.

We choose to keep their words they’d said in the past hoping they’d still hold true to them. But we’re human beings. We forget. We forget what we’d told them of promises that comes in the form of prose or poetry. Some died waiting for the love to return, hoping one day a miracle would pop out of nowhere, and the person would come back into their life, learning that you’d been yearning for his/her presence. But most of the time, they’ve probably moved on with their life. And then comes the realization, that you’ve been waiting….waiting….waiting for nothing.

I only stayed because of those lines of poetry you had written in the past. If you ever read this, I hope you’ll find them someday. I hope you know, that I only waited because of those words of hope you gave to me. I’m sorry if I’m not the one you choose to be with. But I want you to know, there was someone who waited for you, only because he cares for you. But I’m mistaken. I saw myself in you,  but you didn’t see yourself in me.

My hope is to fade away now, like how the wind blows the grains of sand in the Sahara desserts; let me disappear and dive back into the world of exploration.

I am missing, missing the days of remembering The One. Let those days come back to me Ya Allah.

 

 

there’s a part of me you’ll never know

the only thing I’ll never show.

 

{…So (for me) patience is most fitting. And it is Allah (Alone) Whose help can be sought against that which you assert.”} Surah Yusuf: 18 (Muhsin Khan)

As with life, we say Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal.

Life has to go on.

 

 

Cinta dan Hidup

Dalam memahami erti hidup, aku sedar bahawa apa yang aku harapkan tidak akan dapat kugenggaminya. Yang aku harapkan dalam bentuk cinta daripada manusia tidak akan dikembalikan kepadaku. Aku redha akan perkara ini. Tetapi aku sedar, bahawa meletakkan pengharapan kepada Sang Pencipta, Allah yang Maha Mulia memberikan ketenangan kepada jiwaku. Aku sedar, dan aku faham, bahawa apa yang tidak diberikanku di dunia, hanya aku harapkan akan diberikan di akhirat kelak. Allah Maha Menyantuni, dan dia sangat memahami hamba-hambaNya lebih dari kita memahami diri kita sendiri. Dan inilah yang selalu membuat aku yakin bahawa mencintai Allah yang telah menciptakan diriku ini lebih bermakna dan lebih bermanfaat daripada mencari cinta daripada manusia.

Cinta, kalau disalah tafsirkan, akan memberi erti hidup yang kurang bermakna, dan aku akui, bahwa kita tak terlepas daripada memberi tafsiran yang kurang mendalami jiwa. Pengalaman hidup memberi kita peluang untuk mengupas erti kata cinta ini, dengan bergaul dengan masyarakat, mendalami ilmu dengan mendekatkan diri kepada orang-orang alim dan soleh, mendekatkan diri kepada kedua orang tua, dan menyayangi anak-anak kecil, memberikan belas kasihan atas kemurnian mereka. Ramai juga orang mengembara ke luar negara, dari benua ke benua, dalam pengharapan satu hari kelak akan dijumpainya erti cinta yang sebenar.

Kesimpulannya, jika engkau yakin akan ganjaran yang akan diberikan Allah di akhirat kelak, aku pasti hati engkau akan tenang, kerana engkau tahu yang memberikan ganjaran itu bukan manusia, tetapi Sang Pencipta, Allah! Dialah yang telah menciptakanmu, Dialah yang telah memberimu rezeki untuk hidup, dan Dialah yang telah memberimu segumpal daging yang sangat mahal, yaitu jantung untuk terus bernafas dan jalankan hidup, beribadah hanya kepadaNya sahaja.

Ya Allah, berikanlah aku dan orang-orang yang membaca curahan hatiku ini ketenangan akal dan jiwa. Berikanlah mereka hidayah untuk terus mengupas erti hidup yang sebenar dengan mencariMu. Berikanlah apa yang mereka inginkan, jika tak di dunia, berikanlah yang terbaik bagi mereka di akhirat kelak, dan berikanlah mereka Syurga tanpa hisab. Aameen.

 

Sekian, curahan hati dalam bahasa melayu.

 

To the person who searched for life, but…

It occurs to me that as I’m writing this, I’m writing from a matured perspective, I feel. Writing from a third person perspective is giving me more clarity on the outlook of life.

“To the person who searched for life, but found a man instead…”

I wrote those words in my yellow notebook. It was 2015. It was my routine of spilling my thoughts on paper, of needing to fill up my notebook with words. But it was more of an exercise of the mind, of seeking clarity in my thinking. I wrote them because I had conceived the notion that the person I had feelings for back in school had been seeking clarity in life. I must admit, I admired the way she looked at life, and I like people who enjoy deep conversations about life. Fast forward to 2017, looking at it again, maybe I’ve written it out of ignorance, oblivious to the fact that maybe she was already leading a good life. Maybe I wrote out of hastiness,  a desperate plea, hoping that one day we could meet up and I could finally tell her everything she needs to know. But, life has its own ways of revealing truths.

Perhaps I saw in her what she couldn’t see in herself, that she had the potential to grow to be a better person. Everybody has the ability to grow and become a better version of themselves. Perhaps at that time I wanted to be beside her, to guide her and show her the other side of life. But, having the reserved personality meant that I kept those feelings inside, perhaps hoping she’d realise someday through my cues and silences in the classes and in our small talks that she’d understand that I was…wanting to be with her. But I was a little too late. She had already found a man.

I can vividly remember the moments during those days, how stupid I felt inside for not saying the things I should have said. Always learn to say the things you want and need to say before it’s too late. My only wish now? That if I could get to meet her again, I would want to pass her the letter I had written for her on her birthday. But things have changed. Perhaps she is enjoying life right now, chasing her dreams and living life to the fullest.

I’m deriving a lot of lessons from this experience. You don’t always get what you want, and that could actually be good for you. It takes time to understand, and it takes time for things to fall into place. Everything is measured. Be patient with the decree Allah has for you. Carry on living life to the best of your ability. Learn how to cope with setbacks in life. Throughout the years I have found that the best investment one can make is to master your emotions. I hope she is doing well and fine.

Love. What is love?

To the person who searched for life, you are in my prayers, whenever and wherever I remember you.

I have episode 02 and 03 of my ‘Umrah trip to write.